Dank Souls
by Your Intellegence
Summary: This is the story of Jonathan, who travels through Lordran, while also dealing with Them, and doing stuff and making snide comments about it. Hope you enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

Hey friends, this is Your Intelligence! This will be about Dark Souls, and it's gonna be sweet! I'll try to not have as much drama as there was in The Story at Freddy's, so this should be fun for me. People will do things they do not normally do in-game, as well as item locations. This is to make the world and the people look more alive. Enjoy the story!

dank

daNGk/

_adjective_

1). disagreeably damp, musty, and typically cold.

Sincerely, Your Intelligence.

Introduction

Jonathan sat there, rotting. He had been thrown in the undead asylum for two reasons. The first being that he was stricken with the curse of undeath, and of course there's the other obvious one. He had been sitting there for about a year now, and his normally cheery personality had devolved into a snarky, distrustful one. As he had sat there, he had been thinking about how he would escape, but he had run into a few snags. The first and most important was that the cell door was locked from the outside. There was a hole in the ceiling, but even his nimble figure could not ascend twelve feet in the air with one jump. As he pondered, movement out of the corner of his eye jolted him out of his thoughts.

A knight when a sun emblazoned on his chest stood over the hole in the ceiling, staring down at him. Jonathan looked up at him, keeping eye contact. The knight moved away, only to come back and drop a corpse through the hole. The corpse had what's known as a cold fire above it, signalling the corpse had something of value. The knight walked away from the hole, presumably to go do other good things that crummy knights always seemed to do. Jonathan got up and walked over to the corpse, and started to rummage through his pockets. Jonathan hoped that he had some bread, Jon hadn't had anything to eat in days, but instead the corpse held a key, which was just as good in Jonathan's book. Jonathan moved eagerly to the door, where he stuck his hand through the bars and stuck the key in the lock. The key turned and the lock clicked; the door swung open.

"Finally! I've been locked in there for a freaking millennium." Jon had a different way of speaking than other people, and he hoped to popularize some of the list of words he made up while he was trapped in this godforsaken asylum. Something on the key caught his eye. A small roll of paper was tied to the key, looking exceedingly inviting. Jonathan unrolled the scrap of paper, where a bit of writing was scribbled on.

_Dear comrade in arms,_

_I am writing to inform you that I have busted you out of jail, and hope to see you out of here in one piece. Watch out for fatties!_

_Sincerely, Thomas Solaire._

Jonathan finished the note, noting that he would have to put off saying thank you to this Solaire guy. As he was about to leave the room he noticed his reflection. He had long, straight, black hair, and a very pointy face, Plus he was rather dashing to boot. Or at he would be if he didn't look like a raisin mixed with a human. His light leather armour had degraded to, it's grey color having been reduced to a dirty brown. Jonathan felt a pulling in his chest. They were telling him to go. He didn't entirely hate Them, They were just a minor annoyance most of the time. But They had found out he was free, probably through the individuals Jonathan had in his eyes, and they were telling him to go now. He didn't have Them when he was growing up, but a slip up by his mom made him very..._acquainted _with Them. Jonathan walked out of his cell, and pulled out the dagger he had kept hidden from the hollows this whole time.

Jonathan's life before he was rounded up here was pretty good to. They had already become part of him by now, but he still managed to lead a semi-normal life. He was an assassin for hire before, as They helped immensely in sneaking around. He was also fairly successful with the ladies as well, probably because of the scent of honey that constantly followed him. He stood there for a while, just thinking about his past, before a loud buzzing voice broke through his train of thought. "**GET GOING. WE NEED SOULS."** droned the voice of Them. "Alright fine! Jeez you don't have to yell." exclaimed Jonathan. The hollow in front of him looked like a good chance to brush up his skills. The hollow didn't hold any weapons, and was just leaning against a wall. Jonathan put him down with a quick stab to the back of the head. Jonathan smiled at his first kill in forever. He hadn't gotten to kill anyone in a year or so. The pride of still being able to kill things in one hit made him smile, and as he did a wasp escaped from his lips, crawled up the side of his head and crawled into his ear.


	2. Chapter 2 (Fatty)

Chapter 1 Jonathan could feel Them crawling under his skin. They had some dominion over him, but he was still free to go where he liked. He noticed how tall he was compared to the hollows he was surrounded by. Tallness ran in his family, but maybe everyone was just short. He was about a foot or two taller compared to everyone else he saw normally. The sound of heavy footsteps had increased significantly. It had always been there, but now it was louder than ever. There was a small break in the bars in front of him, so he decided to look through that. What he saw was disgusting. There was a demon, about eleven meters tall, and it had an insane amount of fat rolls. It was holding a club of sorts, that looked like it had been burnt significantly. Jonathan shuddered at the thought of fire. He had a bad experience with fire when he was a kid, so he tried to avoid it at all costs. He looked away from the demon, it's sheer disgustingness nearly overwhelming him. Jonathan followed the corridor to some steps, which led to a ladder. The ladder was severely rusted, leaving Jonathan wondering if the ladder would support his weight. He tried a few experimental steps, and when the ladder held he quickly climbed up the ladder. When he almost got to the top, Jonathan felt the ladder shift under him. Jonathan jumped up the rest of the way, just as the ladder broke under his weight. "Great, looks like I'm not going back there (not that I'm complaining)." Jonathan frowned. The area he was in was covered in snow, with a solitary bonfire in the middle. Jonathan was overjoyed to see a bonfire, he hadn't felt heat in a long time. Jonathan raised his right hand over the bonfire, causing to flare to life. Jonathan didn't know exactly how this worked, but he just went along with it for now. Jonathan sat down in front of the bonfire, warming up his body. Then the tugging came, and Jonathan had to go. The only way to go right now looked to be through the giant door, which looked to lead into a chapel of sorts. Jonathan walked over to the doors, marveling their design. The looked like they used to have intricate carvings on them, however constant exposure to the elements had eroded the patterns away. Jonathan struggled to push open the heavy doors, but a last heave of strength helped him do that. The door opened into a large hall of sorts, with tall pots lining the pillars around the exterior. The door leading out was directly across from him, so this seemed like a cakewalk for Jonathan. He walked down when he noticed a message written in orange on the floor. Jonathan leaned over to examine the message. It read "RUN!". A loud crash happened in front of Jonathan. Jonathan looked up to see another fat demon in front of him, this one looked a lot more pissed than the one Jonathan saw earlier. Jonathan guessed this thing wouldn't leave him alone until one of them was dead. "Picked the wrong guy to mess with mister demon." Jonathan said with a sneer. **Put on Les Friction's song "Who Will Save You Now". This will be Jonathan's theme until further notice. Listen to the whole thing please!** The demon slammed him axe/club into the ground where Jonathan was, but Jonathan was already behind him. Jonathan buried his knife in the demon's lower back a few times, before backing off so the demon couldn't hit him. The demon spun around, dragging his axe/club on the ground as he went, causing tiles to fly up from the floor. Jonathan jumped over the weapon, using his momentum to carry himself behind the demon, stabbing him some more. However the demon had a trick up his sleeve, as he kept going with his swing and cut Jonathan's chest open with a sharp part of the handle. "Boy...you really shouldn't have done that." Jonathan said, eyeing the large cut in his chest. The gash had gone deep enough to cut into where his abdominal cavity would be, if it not were for the fact that They're main hive was there. A large swarm of wasps flew out of Jonathan's newly opened cut, causing Jonathan to feel very weak and fall to his knee on the ground. They swarmed all over the demon's head, stinging him repeatedly. The demon roared in pain, as the wasps covered his body, stinging him everywhere. Then some of the wasps flew into the demon's open mouth. The wasps burrowed into the demon's throat, leaving him screaming in agony. The wasps then burrowed into the demon's eyes, crawling into it's skull. The demon roared a final roar, then fell to the ground dead. The wasps then consumed part of the demon's soul, leaving the rest to be absorbed by Jonathan. They flew out of the corpse of the demon, crawling back into the gash in Jonathan's chest. Some of the wasps stayed out to sow up the gash with special wasp building material, then flew into Jonathan's mouth. Jonathan felt pretty satisfied with himself. He had killed a demon, and now he could escape this godforsaken asylum. He unlocked the door across the room, and pushed open the heavy wooden doors. The area outside was covered in snow, with remnants of building covering some the floor. Jonathan was naturally drawn to the peak, as there was nowhere else to go. Jonathan got to the top, and saw the vast expanse of mountains he had to cross to get back to Lordran. He was formulating a plan on how to do this, when a giant crow flew down and picked him up. "At least I don't have to walk." 


	3. Chapter 3 (Sad Man)

Chapter 2 (Sad Man)

After flying for about thirty minutes, the crow dropped Jonathan off in the middle of a ruin. After getting up, Jonathan took the opportunity to survey his surroundings. He was in the middle of a mossy ruin, with a large bridge in the distance. The other way led off a cliff, but had a path following the cliffside. A man in chainmail was sitting on a fallen piece of pillar, and Jonathan decided to talk to him. Once Jonathan got close he saw that the chainmail man was also very short compared to Jonathan, probably due once again to Jonathan's heritage. The man looked up, and his face looked like someone who had seen some crap. "Well, what do we have here? You must be a new arrival. You're a tall one, aren't you?" The man's voice sounded sad, like someone who had watched his closest relatives die. "Let me guess, Fate of the Undead right? Well, you're not the first." Jonathan had a perfect word to describe him, but he couldn't put his finger on it. "Actually I was just going to go see my relatives, but that sounds cool to." The man shrugged. "Well, if that's not what you're going to do, I have nothing to say. However if you do consider, let me help you out. There are actually two Bells of Awakening. One is up above in the Undead Church, the other is far, far below, in the ruins at the base of Blighttown. Ring them both and something happens...brilliant right?" "Like I said I'm going to go see my relatives." "Well, you should anyways. What I said is not much to go on, but I have a feeling that won't stop you. So, off you go." and the man flashed Jonathan a dismissive hand gesture. Jonathan scoffed, and walked towards the stairs leading up. "Jerk, talking all slowly...not giving me any direction." Jonathan mumbled angrily. He still couldn't think of the word, but he guessed it would come to him eventually.

The stairs led up to the side of the bridge, where a gate seemed to lead into an aqueduct of sorts. The only thing stopping Jonathan was a group of hollows who were guarding the way up. "_They seem like they'd put up a fight._" Jonathan thought. Jonathan smiled, and charged the first one. Jonathan dispatched him with a knife to the skull, and as Jonathan absorbed his soul he spun around in time to counter the one trying to impale him with a broken sword. The hollow stumbled, and Jonathan stabbed him through the face, taking his soul as well. There was a hollow throwing fire bombs, so Jonathan made him his next target. A group of small ledges allowed Jonathan to quickly run/climb up the ledge, the last jump letting Jonathan plunge his knife the chest of the hollow, taking his soul. Jonathan loved the satisfying crunch of bone, it was like his morning coffee. As the hollow fell to the floor, Jonathan propelled himself off it's corpse to the hollow on a flight of stairs above him. Jonathan sunk his knife into the hollow's foot, causing it to cry out in pain. Jonathan then let go of the knife and jumped off the wall, landing on a hollow with an axe. Jonathan stomped his foot on the hollow's head, crushing it, it's soul being absorbed through Jonathan's foot. Jonathan then ran up the stairs, where the hollow there was still trying to take the knife out of it's foot. In one move Jonathan took his knife out, taking the absorbing the final soul of the group.

Jonathan bent over, catching his breath. The area around him was now coated in blood and bodies, and Jonathan felt satisfied. He had felt pretty rusty for being cut by that demon, but now knowing he still had it in him made him feel better. Jonathan wiped the blood on his knife off on his leg, and continued to the gate leading into the aqueduct. The tunnel was a lot more cramped than it looked from the outside, as Jonathan had to bend over because he was so tall, almost to the level of crawling on his hands and knees. Jonathan continued on his way through the aqueduct, eventually reaching a door. Light streamed in through the cracks in the wood, and Jonathan confidently opened the door and stomped outside. The area was filled with architecture that seemed out of it's time, as everything was covered in moss. As Jonathan studied the landscape, a giant red drake flew down, barbecued the bridge, and flew out and above the large bridge. "Crap. I'm gonna have to fight that."

Jonathan walked up the stairs that had separated him from the drake and onto the smoking bridge. A few hollows stood across the bridge, and with a smile Jonathan dispatched them quickly. Jonathan walked into a cobblestone house, which led up to an elongated parapet. Jonathan was looking over the parapet, when he saw a small glint in the distance. "Huh. That looks like iron." Suddenly, a piercing pain filled his left arm. Jonathan looked over at his arm to see a crossbow bolt sticking out of it, a small drizzle of wasp blood leaking out. Jonathan took cover behind a small spire and studied the damage. It wasn't that deep in his arm, probably due to a sucky crossbow. Jonathan took ahold of the bolt, and with a swift tug pulled it out of his arm with a sickening tearing sound. Jonathan winced as he felt Them crawl out of the hole in his arm and start to sow it up. Jonathan leaned over the spire and saw the armor glint standing on top of a shed built into the wall. Visualizing his route, he ran to the nearest cover, and upon hearing a bolt bounce off the stone he dashed behind the arrow man. He was wearing a more heavy suit of armor, but still had pieces missing near the feet and back. Jonathan quickly zoomed behind the hollow and stabbed him through the spine. The hollow fell to the ground, and Jonathan noticing two hollows wielding spears, lept over the railing and rushed towards them.

The hollows raised their shields in an attempt to guard, but Jonathan stomped his foot onto their shields, draining their stamina completely. Jonathan killed them while they were recovering, and looked over the area he was in. He saw nothing but a large amount of boxes, and disappointed he moved back the the raised shed. A tower to his left had a bonfire, and Jonathan lit it, thinking to himself "This is so easy."


End file.
